"I'll just wait until after the holiday rush, then there will be plenty of Wiis available."
Or so I told myself a few months ago, opting not to buy a Wii bundle deal. I'm not spending an extra $20 for a memory card, I'll just wait a week or two and pickup a console at retail with no strings attached..."

It'll be easy I thought...

...

...

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Nice move dip shit.

I had not predicted a shortage of Wiis occurring nearly a year after the system released. Now while all the other kids and geeks are partying in Wii-land at their super fun Wii block party love fest orgies I'm over here in Wired-controller-ville replaying FFXII on my PS2.

As any diligent gamer would, Each week, I check my local circulars, and hope that a few extra fall off the Nintendo truck and are picked up by Circuit City or Best Buy so that I might line up at their holy Mecca and beg the power tripping employees for a voucher that will bestow upon my head the greatest honor of all nerdom, a new game system.
Lucky for you, the reader, my suffering is way more entertaining than my joy could ever be. What follows is a chronicle of my attempts to buy a Wii, this is a story matched only in epic value by Lord Of The Rings or the soon to be made Hannah Montana feature length film.

OK, maybe not THAT epic, but easily as epic as the Dead Or Alive movie.
My journey began the week before Christmas where most fantastic journeys begin, Kmart. More specifically, the toiletries aisle. It was announced over the loud speaker that a special item, the Nintendo Wii, had just been restocked. I had been looking for a Wii since Super Smash Bros. Brawl was announced, and this seemed a good opportunity to pick one up. I dialed my friend on my cell to see if I should go ahead and pull the trigger and pick one up or if he could get me a better deal. Big mistake. In the few minutes it took to conclude the call, the obviously underpaid energy-lacking employee returned to the PA system with another trilling announcement….3….Wiis….left.

I looked up from my cart to see a pregnant mother with her two young children. Her face overcome with a look of panic. Like something out of a Jon Woo movie, time slowed down, our eyes met, and our intentions became clear.

The footrace was on.

She was faster than you'd think and frighteningly agile for a woman toting a lump on her gut as heavy as Atari's decision not to buy the rights to the Nintendo Entertainment System in the 80s. She also fought dirty, shoving, biting and using every rotten trick in the book short of tossing her infant in my path to trip me up like so many marbles in a Scooby Doo cartoon.
Luckily I gained some ground as we passed through the food court as she stopped for a chili cheese and powdered sugar funnel cake. I'd have overtaken her if those damn Churros weren't so freaking crispy on the outside, yet soft on the inside, I swear to goodness it's like eating the wings of a Pegasus that flew too close to the sun so they got toasted golden brown. I know I know, enough about the food.

So we finally make it up the stairs and across the store to the electronics department. I'm quicker to act and I grab the last Wii box, but The Pregnant Punisher is not far behind and quickly gets an arm around it too. Apparently, in addition to being freakishly fast, she's also a body builder, because the grip that woman had with her biceps and forearm would make Super Glue jealous.

I shook the Wii violently back and forth hoping to dislodge it. I imagine that wrestling with a pregnant lady must also be how Nintendo devs came up with the idea for a remote you wiggle around to control your character. After a good bit of scuffling, with a chanting crowd now growing around us, the box began to come loose. The Mauling Momma must have also felt her grip loosen and went to desperate measures. I received a swift elbow in the stomach. I thought about responding in kind, but I think murdering her unborn baby would be a tad bit more down the road of darkness than I was willing to travel. So instead I clutched my gut, and relinquished the Wii to Ezmeralda (This was her name, as I later learned over some tea at the local coffee shop, she really is such a delightful lady, and she was totally apologetic about the elbowing, her victory dance and the whole spitting in my face on her way out of the store thing).

So here I sit, Wii-less, filling my bag of stories with another sad tale. Listening to all the fun my friends are having with Mario Galaxy (See our review!) and Bee Movie collector's edition (the one with the yellow jacket decals!). Oh well, If you know of a Wii for sale, give me a heads up, but until then at least I have my 2 best friends to comfort me, Nintendo DS and large quantities of vodka.

Thanks for reading! Until next week, remember, thinking sucks, just believe what you read on the internet.