Top 7 Iron Mans

No, we didn’t make a mistake. The title is, in fact, “Top 7 Iron Mans,” not “Iron Men.” We’re counting down the 7 people that have best honored the iron name with great accomplishments and general bad-assery. Some of these may shock you, but rest assured, they are rated by the highest authorities on the subject matter (or any subject matter, as far as we’re concerned): hardcore gamers.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Iron Maiden - While we must admit they are quite the awesome rockers, they miss out on the technicality that this is a competition for Iron Men, and not Maidens. Sorry, boys – maybe you can win if we ever make a list of the top badass band names that sound like a painful feminine product.

Without further ado, here are the TOP 7 IRON MANS OF ALL TIME!

#7 – Iron Mike Tyson

Who he is: A once-promising professional boxer turned pro-bono psycho.

Why he’s on this list: Aside from the “Iron” nickname, Mike’s got more craziness pound-for-pound than an FFXII directorial mental breakdown and Tom Cruise combined. Although he could probably get in on that merit alone, the fact that he’s a notable tough-guy makes our decision that much easier.

Iron Mike is so tough and so iron-y (get it?) that the iron running through his veins is too plentiful to be sustained by normal food minerals. He must consume the blood of other humans (full of iron and tasty hemoglobin) in order to survive. See picture below for a tasty recipe from the man himself.

#6 – Chairman Takeshi Kaga

Who he is: A well-known and respected Japenese actor who decided to throw it all away for cooking immortality as the host of Iron Chef. And, let’s face it: TOTALLY worth it.

Why he’s on this list: If a man wears a cape out in public, LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE. Either he’s freakin’ nuts or he’s a super hero. Either way, if you say the wrong thing to him you’re gonna get punched in the no-nos.

He also lives up to the iron reputation by ruling the Iron Chef kitchen with an iron fist of ironness. It was Chariman Kaga’s main responsibility to choose a secret ingredient each episode – each of the competitors had to follow his completely arbitrary decision, no matter how high-pitched and whiny Bobby Flay got.

You could make a strong argument that this spot should go to Masaharu Morimoto, the Japanese Iron Chef for years and one of the most renowned of all the Iron Chefs in the culinary world. However, if you did make such an argument we’d have to remind you that 1) stop being a dick and changing our list, 2) Kaga has a cape, and 3) The Chairman once killed a family of 3 for laughing at said cape. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen – looks like tonight’s secret ingredient is DEATH.

#5 – Some Dude In An Iron Man Costume

Who he is: No clue really, his name is Alan Doshna, just Googled him. (If interested, find info here.)

Why he’s on this list: LOOK AT THAT MAGNIFICENT MOUSTACHE.

#4 – Paula Newby Fraser

Who she (???) is: The 8-time winner of the Iron Man Triathlon. Currently holds the world record for shortest completion time among women. You’ve gotta figure winning 8 of those is like securing 2 victories in the men’s competition, which is pretty impressive (for a girl).

Why she’s on this list: OK, misogyny aside, nobody else in the history of the Iron Man Triathlon has been more dominant. She’s like Serena Williams is to tennis, Lance Armstrong is to biking, and Count Chocula is to animated vampire cereal mascots.

Plus, her name is Newby, which just wins a place is every gamers’ heart.

#3 Ozzy Osbourne

Who he is: OK, if you don’t know who he is, please put down the Rock Band drumsticks for two seconds and go outside. Or, rather, turn on a TV or radio. He’s the original master of dark rock: the bat-eating front-man of Black Sabbath. Oh yeah, and he also had a cutesy, cuss-filled mega-hit TV show on MTV that you might’ve seen.

Why he’s on this list: One of Black Sabbath’s most popular songs(not to mention one of their best) is entitled “Iron Man.” Not only is the name fitting for our competition here at Two Bit News, but the chorus contains Ozzy belting out the phrase “I…am…Iron Man.” This track is also featured in the recent silver-screen blockbuster Iron Man, as the song that plays during the credits.

As for being a tough guy? I alluded to it before: one of Ozzy’s most famous moments is when he bit the head off of a live bat on-stage during one of Black Sabbath’s concerts. As gross as that may be, it’s pretty hardcore. It’s a miracle that the Iron Man PR people didn’t try to leverage that event for an ad campaign against the new Batman movie, which also releases this summer.

#2 Iron Man

Who he is: The star of the Marvel comic books and hit 2008 movie (yes, we know there are multiple versions, Mr. Fanboy, but we're going with the combo they rolled into the new movie version) . He’s Tony Stark, a wise-cracking billionaire who holds himself responsible for single-handedly saving the world, all while balancing a business and a love tryst with a woman fond of alliteration. No, he’s not Batman – he’s not nearly emo enough to be Batman. Think of him more like the Justin Timberlake of superheroes. Everywhere he goes he brings destruction, but damned if you don’t get lost in that pearly smile and those stylish dance moves.

Why he’s on this list: Aside from the obvious fact that Iron Man is named… well… Iron Man, he’s also well-deserving of this list on merit of character. He’s a billionaire playboy that has been spoiled beyond belief ever since childhood, yet when he gets captured by terrorists, he doesn’t cry and whine. Instead, he uses his super intelligence to build a mega-robot and whoops some serious ass. Now that’s a man of iron. That just goes to show you, kids, it’s not just the outside that counts; it’s also what’s on the inside. Unless, of course, Iron Man needs to blow up a tank or a small village, in which case the missiles on the outside kinda do all the work.

AND YOUR NUMBER 1 IRON MAN OF ALL TIME.......

#1 Steel (as portrayed by Shaquillle O’Neil)

Who he is: For this one I’m going to get a little help from IMDB.com. Here is the plot summary for the movie Steel:

John Henry Irons designs weapons for the military. When his project to create weapons that harmlessly neutralize soldiers is sabotaged, he leaves in disgust. When he sees gangs are using his weapons on the street, he uses his brains and his Uncle Joe's junkyard know-how to fight back, becoming a real man of "steel."

Sound familiar? It’s the same exact film as Iron Man, except that the hero is named “Irons” instead of “Stark,” the story takes place in the inner –city rather than labs and outer-space, and the starring role is played by Big Daddy Shaq in place of Robert Downy Jr.

Why he’s on this list: Ok, at this point most of you are wondering why Steel would be #1 if he’s just a rip-off of Iron Man. Well, where you see rip-off, I see HUGE IMPROVEMENTS. Can you fault the SNES for coming after the NES? The Internet for coming after BBS? iMac for coming after toilet bowls? Some things are just natural evolutions.

I mean, sure, Robert Downy Jr.’s performance in the Iron Man movie was very good, but he just can’t compare with two-time Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards nominee Shaquille O’Neil. The man has great range: he can play a 7-foot-2 clueless genie in Kazaam, or he can play a 7-foot-2 clueless hero in Steel. And don’t forget his biggest stretch: playing the 7-foot-2 clueless basketball player in Blue Chips. Let’s see Downy Jr. be 7-foot-2.

As if Shaq wasn’t enough to put Steel over the top, the film’s dialogue is also brilliant. If you need proof, check out these memorable movie magic quotes:

Uncle Joe: Well dip me in shit and roll me in breadcrumbs.

Susan Sparks: Sometimes shit happens

John Henry Irons: I never could make the free throws.

HAHAHAHAHA, CUZ SHAQ IS BAD AT FREE THROWS IN REAL LIFE. THAT IS RICH COMEDY.

This movie was an instant classic back in the 90s, and is still holding strong today with upwards of 3 rentals per month on VHS from Blockbuster locations nationwide.

No matter what you might say about the man of steel’s toughness, I bet you’d shut your punk mouth when it came to defending a 360 dunk from Big Shaq. And, in the end, isn’t shutting people's punk mouths what being an Iron Man is all about?