Konami Has Plans to Torture You.

February 7, 2009 by Jack Belmont

Konami has announced it will pick up movie turned game Saw. It will be created by Zombie Studios, a company that I've found to be run by actual zombies. Like with all half done licensed games with no information on them, this had hit game written all over it and Konami was wise to notice.

EA recession proof; creates another bad company.

February 6, 2009 by Jack Belmont

HELL - In an attempt to make my first news post look good, EA and DICE have announced that they still don’t understand the word irony by announcing Bad Company 2. The first person shooter will be released this winter on the Playstation 3, Xbox 360 and PC.

EA has seen better days after having 1,100 (11% increase) layoffs and yet still lacking the money to make a great game. However, perhaps the company has hope in star title Mass Effect 2. It certainly convinced would be stock holders as EA’s stock has somehow managed to go up two dollars a share.

In other EA news, the company has announced the delay of Dragon Age citing “epic winz”, the delay of Godfather 2 because “the family wasn’t big enough for epic winz” and Sims 3 because “this will never be epic winz”. Why delay a great game when your company is falling apart? That’s why EA makes the tough decisions, because they excel at it.

Blizzard Skips E3 2009; Too Busy Counting Money

February 6, 2009 by myka

IRVINE -Reps for super mogul company Activision Blizzard are reporting that they will skip E3 2009 in it's entirety.

This is a blow to loyal fans of the game makers series Starcraft and Diablo that were hoping for a playable demo for the newest installments of each.

When asked why they were sitting this one out reps offered no comment as they were too busy wading through piles of cash generated by World of Warcraft monthly recurring subscriptions.

We followed up wondering if the company cared that many loyal fans would be dissapointed by the announcement, and while again they declined to comment we are pretty sure we heard the sound of riotous laughter coming through the money vault doors.

Quick Tips To Improve Your Gaming - #1 Vaseline

February 6, 2009 by myka

Vaseline is best used as a lubricant on dry and irritable skin. It is NOT for screwing the disk drive opening on your PS3. No matter how bad it's asking for it.

Metal Gear Solid 4 hits 4.5 million; Nobody gives a crap.

February 5, 2009 by myka

HOBOKEN - Konami reported today that the latest installment in their critically acclaimed video game series, Metal Gear Solid 4, hit the 4.5 million copies sold benchmark.

That is, they would have announced that had 4.5 million actually been a real benchmark worthy of praise. Konami apparently couldn't hold out until 5 million, like a good game would have sold, but hey, congrats on being not quite good enough Metal Gear Solid.

We'll keep you posted for when MGS4 hits 4.6 million, 4.7 million, 4.82 million and of course the all important milestone 4.9234 million units sold. Oh and in case you weren't picking up the sarcasm, we're mocking Konami pretty hard. Even if they were one of the few major gaming companies to post a profit this season. $195,000,000 to be exact....should we throw a parade?

I've got dibs on playing guitar freaks in the marching band.