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5 Steps To Become A Pretentious Asshole
November 29, 2008 by Micah Bleich
Sometimes just knowing something isn't enough. To truly appreciate knowledge, one must draw attention mercilessly to themselves. So, Two Bit News is happy to present this top list to sounding like a pretentious asshole, or guide if you prefer deriving from the latin word meaning "full of information" (more on this later!).
5. The original was better - This is the staple move of an aspiring pompous jerk.
HOW TO DO IT: Find a friend (you might still have a few at this point, we'll fix that) enjoying a new activity, and point out that it is not as good as the original. It doesn't matter what the original was, just as long as you make it clear that it was better than whatever they just now spent their hard earned money on. For example, if they are watching The Dark Knight, make sure to mention how much better Michael Keaton was as Batman. See? Thats the beauty, it doesn't matter if it's true, just that you are annoying enough to state your opinion. AND since you're a pretentious asshole, that makes you right.
4. From the root word - A slightly harder trick to pull off, but oh so annoying.
HOW TO DO IT: Wait for the right moment. Let someone ask you what a word means, or why a song is titled as it is. Then you pounce and tell them entirely too much information, while never really answering the question. For example, "Why is called Super Mario Bros. when Mario is only one of the brother's first names?", your answer should be something along the lines of "Well, Bros. is the shortened version of Brothers, which of course comes from the Greek root meaning fidelity, so clearly, the plumbers were simply covering their taboo love affair." See? Again, you don't know shit, but can act like you do! The best part is, since nobody wants to hear you talk anymore, they won't dare dispute your claims.
3. It's an allusion not a reference - This one is fairly straightforward and easy to do!
HOW TO DO IT: Whenever someone says they are making a "reference" just correct them and say "you are not referencing, you are making an allusion.". While you might be correct sometimes, which I often urge to avoid, the amount of pretentious-ness gained out of that statement is too powerful to overlook.
2. I liked this before it was famous - You've probably done this before by accident, but now you can harness it properly!
HOW TO DO IT: The key to this one, is repetition. You can say it about basically anything, and people will remember just how pretentious you are frequently! Here's an example, if someone says "I love Tay Zonday", you can say "I liked him before he was famous, his latest album is too commercial." Clearly you're a liar, since he didn't even make music before he was famous, but more importantly you've established yourself as a superior lifeform, yet again. Grats to you! Also, if you're not saying "Who is Tay Zonday?" you've just opened yourself up to #1...
1. Oh, you didn't know that? - The easiest to remember, but requires a good poker face to pull off.
HOW TO DO IT: Oh you don't already know how to do it? I guess I'll explain it then.... See? Don't you want to punch me in the face? Thats the feeling of me being better than you! And you can cause that feeling in others using this simple technique. Anytime someone doesn't know something, just say "Oh you didn't know that?". You have no damn clue what it means either, but now they think you do! Believe me, this is way better than the usual way of proving dominance, Youtube comment insult spam.
Run forth and prove to the world how much better you are than them, and remember who taught you how to be better than you are! (TwoBitNews.com, thats who, you didn't know that?)
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to play a video game that YOU'VE never heard of! If you have any more tips for the pretentious wannabes feel free to hit the comments.
