Rock Band: The Gateway to Popularity

May 14, 2008 by ZachShephard

The world is in an unfortunate state these days. Gaming doesn’t have the stranglehold on popularity that it once did. I remember a time where brandishing a Luigi tattoo on your left butt cheek was all it took to be accepted in society. Now it has the opposite effect, and I’m stuck with this cartoon plumber on my ass.

In recent years, popularity has rested firmly in the grip of athletes, movie stars, and German rodeo clowns (Der Stier schmerzt mich! QQ!). But with the introduction of Rock Band, everything is changing. Now, every gamer sitting so close to the TV that he can lick Lara Croft has a chance for his tongue to reach a non-digital being. Possibly even a human.

That’s right. If your Rock Band skills are honed well enough, you’ve got a shot at finding the holy grail of a gamer’s life: physical contact with another person. If you’re lucky, it might even be someone of the opposite gender (though don’t be too greedy – take what you can get, and be thankful for it).

Rock Band is a unique video game in that it takes an inherently nerdy practice (gaming) and blends it with the wild ride of a musician’s life. If you can master the world of plastic instruments, you’ll be vaulted into a realm of popularity, hot babes and $1 off your tenth pretzel purchase (the last of which you were going to get anyway, but it’s nice to pretend that your superstar status is offering another great perk).

At Two Bit News, we realize that popularity is something that can’t wait. So if you want to launch yourself into Rock-God status as soon as possible, you’ll need to know which instruments get the job done. In order to help you on your way, I’ve rated the four tools of tonality in order of their ability to impress a crowd. Let’s get started.

#4: Bass

While Barry White has taught us that chicks dig the low note, the sexual appeal of those soothing sounds definitely drops when you’re a 115-pound gamer channeling your power through a three-foot piece of plastic. Although Rock Band can turn even the geekiest among us into a regular Casanova, picking up the bass is the least efficient way to go about it.

#3: Guitar

Unfortunately, the instrument that started it all back in the days of Guitar Hero isn’t the popularity-inducing device that it once was. It didn’t seem to take people very long to realize that “shredding” on a five-buttoned guitar isn’t nearly as impressive as playing with a 24-fret, six-string axe on a stage in front of raving, crazy drunkards. Still, this instrument has its advantages. If you adjust the strap on your guitar, it works as an excellent phallic symbol, which will not only pique the interest of nearby ladies, but act as an enforcement tool to keep the bassist in line by repeatedly invading his comfort zone and sticking your instrument up his colon. (Bonus points if you can get the guitar so far up that the whammy bar becomes inaccessible.)

#2: Drums

Drumming is the great equalizer. It takes a big set of balls to sit at the drums (in fact, if your balls are large enough to use as a personal beanbag chair while you play, you know you’ve picked the right instrument). You see, the guitarist and bassist don’t have to be particularly gutsy. If you’re having problems on either of those instruments, you won’t look all that foolish. This is not the case with the drums. If you’re bad at drumming, everyone will know it. And I mean everyone. You’ll get calls from your neighbor, asking why there’s an epileptic, stick-wielding chimp in your house, convulsing by the living room window. Drums come in at the #2 slot because playing them is an indication of courage, and everyone loves a guy with balls.

#1: Microphone

There’s a reason the “frontman” of a rock band tends to be the most well-known member of the bunch. People connect with a human voice, no matter how retarded its words may be. Take Faith No More’s Epic, for example. Sure, the song is great, but if they ask me “What is it?” and answer by saying “It’s it” one more time, I’m going to sever my own foot and swallow it, slowly asphyxiating myself into a better place. And despite this lyrical vomit, the frontman to Faith No More probably draws more women than an Oprah sighting.

So, there you have it. If you want the fast route to popularity, take hold of the microphone. If you want a whammy bar up your ass, the bass is the instrument for you. That’s the beauty of Rock Band: there’s something for everyone.

-Zach Shephard

Permalink