I want the Coke bottles.
And the skittles.
/roll you for them
-Kroad
Life After World Of Warcraft: Diary of a Retired WoW Player
May 18, 2008 by ZachShephard
The following journal was found in the charred remains of a house that had recently burned down in Enumclaw, WA. We here at Two Bit News thought everyone could learn from its insightful words.
Day 1
Free! I’m free! After two-and-a-half years of rotting away in my digital prison, I’ve canceled my World of Warcraft account! Finally, I can leave video games behind and explore the real world. I think I’m going to start by seeing what’s in those boxes on the other side of the room. It’s amazing that, during all the time I’ve spent in this basement, I never actually left the computer desk.
Today, that changes. Mysterious cardboard boxes, here I come!
Day 4
Boxes contained rotting corpse of sister I never knew I had. Smelled terrible. I threw up and passed out. Didn’t come to until three days later. The only reason I even know how much time had passed while I was unconscious is because a saucer of meat was placed at the top of the stairs shortly after I woke up. They feed me on Tuesdays.
Day 5
Considered opening curtains and experiencing sunlight for the first time in almost three years. Thought better of it. You have to ease your way into this sort of thing.
Day 8
I’d never actually counted my toes before. I always assumed I had ten, but today I verified it by counting the digits of my feet 500 times and comparing the results to find an average. Came out to 9.885, which I think I can safely round up to 10.
I’m noticing I have a lot of time on my hands.
Day 13
Had a dream last night. I was sitting on a covered porch in the summertime, strumming away on a guitar as the sun began to set. There was a warm breeze. I was in a rocking chair, singing very softly. Everything was very peaceful and serene. Then a 1948 Ford F-series drove by with half a dozen Gnome Warlocks in the bed.
I woke up covered in my own urine.
My pillow was missing entirely.
Day 24
Found a package of bologna while cleaning out my desk. Decided to take a chance and eat a piece.
Haven’t pooped right in 5 days.
Day 27
Stomach finally feels better after the bologna fiasco. Thank God.
Day 29
Had another piece of bologna. Bad idea.
Day 30, 10:00am
Holy crap! A full month without WoW! I think I’m a changed man. If I was able to do this, I can do anything!
Day 30, 10:15am
Reactivated WoW subscription. Not because I need to play, but because I want to catch up with my friends and see how they’re doing.
Day 31
Realized my Friends List was empty, as it had been since I’d first started playing WoW. Not sure why I thought that would change during the downtime. Oh well, now that I’m here, I might as well roll an alt.
Day 33
Leveled three brand-new characters to 70. Only six blue items left between the three of them; rest are epics.
Day 35
Bought four more subscriptions so I can play five characters at once. Made a quintet of Draenei females, lined them up, and watched them dance for 24 hours straight.
Why did I ever quit this game in the first place?
Day 107
It’s been a while since my last entry. Been too busy to write in journal. Internet connection went out today. Staring at screen, eagerly awaiting its return.
Day 108
Still no sign of Internet. Did the parents not pay the bill? Lazy bastards.
Day 109
Needed something to do with WoW being gone, so I hid a dozen Coke bottles around the basement. Then I went and found them, rewarding myself with a single Skittle once the job was complete. Reset the Coke bottles and repeated the quest 47 times, at which point my reputation was high enough to just eat all the Skittles I wanted.
Day 110
Still no WoW.
Day 111
This is getting annoying.
Day 112
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WOW? THE GUILD IS RAIDING TODAY, AND IF I DON’T GET MY DKP THERE’S GOING TO BE A SERIOUS FUCKING PROBLEM IN THIS HOUSE.
Day 115
Turns out connection was fine. Apparently I’d accidentally unplugged my modem somehow. When checking the cables behind the computer desk, I found my missing pillow. Odd.
Day 118
The server is down for maintenance. I’m setting fire to my basement in protest. If Blizzard doesn’t want an innocent, paying customer to burn to death, they’ll bring the server back up.
The final entry is charred beyond recognition, but we did notice the phrase “Murloc-fucking shitstains” amidst the remains of an angry rant.
Tragic? Yes. But also profound.
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Mon, 05/19/2008 - 18:35
#2
I want the Coke bottles.
And
Wed, 06/11/2008 - 22:21
#3
/scared
/scared
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I didn't even get to ask him if I could have his stuff.