Keepin' It Real and Kickin' It Old School

February 7, 2009 by SSXallnight

Hello, my name is Melissa J. Corley and I froze my ass off in front of Best Buy for hours so I could play with my little brother's Wii.

What are introductions that sound wrong, but really aren't? ... Correct!

So, yeah, there you go. I'm a girl and I love video games. A rare and unique breed of female, the girl gamer, a mystical creature who is as tricky to find as she is, usually, easy to please; if you catch sight of one, introduce yourselves, guys. You might never see one again.

Perhaps you are thinking, yeah, you probably like all the lame, girly games and I do. I'm not afraid to admit it, but I am a girl and I've pretty much been around since the beginning of it all.

Do you remember Mario when he wasn't "super", when he was just "Mario the Plumber", jumping over barrels and climbing up ladders to save the Princess from a Donkey Kong who had no Diddy at his side?

I do.

When I was a kid, Pacman was played on tabletop machines, hotels had arcades with pinball and Centipede; my sister and I had the Nintendo Power Pad. Yeah, that's right, the Power Pad. Jealous much?

I composed my own version of Atari's "Moon Buggy" theme. I'm a second level Tetris Master. I know how to get the coin ship to appear in Mario 3. I have the Final Fantasy 7 soundtrack (everything is in Japanese). I like to blow off steam by shooting hookers in the face so I can get my money back, bitch! I've spent numerous hours freestylin' the SSX slopes and I know who the real team-killing fucktard is that turned "Sheila" against Church.

I can't reach the orange button, though. My delicate, girly hands just can't maneuver effectively when playing Guitar Hero levels higher than medium. I know, I know; lame.

Thirty years. That's how long I've been around. I keep my walker next to my bedside table, on which I set my false teeth in a glass of luke warm water next to my Jitterbug phone because technology is complicated and it scares me!

That's not true. I don't own a cell phone. Don't need one! I live, with my mom, in a small Kansas town where the girls are "bred to wed" and the boys are "born to breed"; people around here think I'm weird because I don't want the picket fence package with a dog and 2.5 kids. I'm allergic to both. I have less than no money and no car, but the really good jobs around here are not jobs that I would want to drive to; working at a potato chip factory, while it may seem glamorous and exciting, is not my idea of a rewarding career.

Because of my slacker bum status, people often ask me what I'm doing with my life. You may be wondering the same thing.

My answer to the question is simple. I'm hitting rock bottom so that I have no where else to go, but up. Whenever I deliver this answer I flash a flirtacious smile and everyone laughs, but it's not really a joke. It's the plan. It's a long story, how I got to where I am today, what my real plan is, and why I am the way I am, but the short version is this: "Damn the Man, save the Empire!"

As an aspiring screenwriter/producer with the talent to back up my claims of being "rich and famous someday", I'm looking forward to a rewarding writing experience here at 2 Bit News.

Also, I wish I could have a penis for just one day. One day! I want to know what it is about those things that turn you guys into drooling cavemen. Seriously. Much like Steve Martin's character in L.A. Story, though, I'd probably end up staying home all day to play with myself.

Cheers!

Melissa a.k.a. SSXallnight

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