How can I pick up more women?

February 10, 2008 by Micah Bleich

About Mercedes and this column:
So this traipse into column-self-worship/thinly-veiled-right-to-brag
has been a long time coming. I've only been in existence for 25 years
(and sleeping around/making out for about 11 of them) so I am sure many
of you are wondering what makes me so qualified to be giving anyone
advice on how to mess up their lives/sheets/staff break-room. Well, to
be fair, I am overqualified compared to some (patrons of this site,
perhaps?) and under qualified compared to others (Judith Regan; the
fictional and all actual Samanthas; my sister circa 1997) Standing my
middle ground and dishing on what makes girls (and guys if you're into
that) tick is my birthright, considering how my parents inadvertently
(I hope) supplied me with an almost-laughable stripper name and the
body to match. So by all means, consider me your personal counsel on
all things relations-related and I promise to respond at my leisure.
Addendum: Okay my editor says I have to respond with 'reasonable
promptness'. I nodded, knowing full well that's synonymous with
'leisure'. Semantics are fun , kids. [Editor's Note: Bitch.]

Dear Mercedes,

I'm sure a lot of other guys will feel me on this one. I see a hot
girl, I wanna holla. But she's not a hood rat and may take offense. How
do I get in two-fingers or a thumb?

-Desperate in Detroit

Dear Desper-weirdo,

Well, first off let me say that if you are not a Brutha
or as the Census Bureau put it "originating from peoples of Africa or
the Carribean" I would say your first order of business would be to
Stop. Talking. Like. That. DAMN. I can guarantee you it will be much
easier to pick up women from every color of the wind if you don't play
Black in the streets. I would also like to include not playing
hackey-sack in the streets too, but since you didn't mention that as
part of your issue, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Your
second move is going to be a big one, but well worth the effort in the
long haul. And I feel it important to cite my source on this one
because well, I don't want to get sued. "ACT AS IF" the relatively
forgettable line from the cockitude that was Ben "AFLAC" in the equally
forgettable film Boiler Room. ( Rent it , Nia Long is in it back when
she was cute and not 30+. Now she's just cute.) ACT AS IF you have the
biggest dick on the planet. Seriously - try visualizing that for a
moment. 1...2...3...4... You feel that? How heavy it is? Is it a little
difficult to walk? Does it feel like you have three thighs rubbing
together? Good. Now take that dagger-swagger and PERSONIFY IT. Its been
said a million times, but guys just don't seem to get it through heads
- women love/are blinded by confidence. Now look at the pre-fix there:
'confidence' -----> 'CON'.

We already know you're full of shit, your job is to convince us you're
not. It is all a big game gentlemen. We are suckers for a man with a
plan who wants our bottom-line and is willing to implement and execute
said plan.

Occasionally you'll come across a woman in her teens-20s who is looking
for someone to couple-sign on wedding gifts or send out joint Xmas
cards with the two of you all hugged-up (and just you, sedated the way
she likes it). Most respectable and emotionally balanced women in this
age bracket are not going to attempt tying you down. They just want
some respect, to be told they are pretty/hot/a nasty slut (its all
contextual), and for you to pay for things because it makes them feel
speciall and different from all the other women you just fondle and
don't feed. In my dream version of the perfect pick up, things would go
accordingly: You see me crossing the street and headed toward you. You
nervously think to yourself 'Is she going to notice my ankle-bracelet/
fact that i haven't showered today/ hand-me-down Atari sweatshirt? You
push those thoughts aside and cooly but with purpose start walking
ahead of me in the same direction. We stop at a corner, wait for the
light, You turn to me and smile. "This weather is great - its a good
day for a run." I smile and agree, and absently fail to realize that
you picked up on what i was wearing (running shorts and trainers) and
carrying (a gym bag) and found something that I would be able to relate
to. Score 1- you, me-10,000 (cause I'm still hotter than you. Sorry,
those are the rules.) You then say "Hi my name is Douche and I must say
you have a fantastic body. Do you workout often?"

Now I can hear you saying to yourself, I tell girls they are fine all
the time and they always get pissy or run away. Note the subtlety and
respectfulness with which he compliments her. He realizes that she's
hot because she puts in a lot of hours and hardwork at the gym and he
is acknowledging that. By concluding the compliment with a
complementary-question, he is allowing her room to speak on her
interest and not have to respond to the compliment. You do not want to
make her feel as if she owes you something for complimenting her - this
is not a bartering system, this is a pyramid scheme where you give up
front and hope to God for a return.

After this point ask more questions if you have time, but if she's in a
rush or the light has changed simply say, "Look , here is my number. It
would be great if we could go for a run sometime. Call me if you're
free. " And then WALK AWAY. And in the direction you were initially
walking so she does think you did all that just to hit on her. The idea
here is to make her think that her beautiful, special self came out of
nowhere and you just had to react. And because there was no
premeditation, there is no eau de desperation wafting about. And
because you did not stand eagerly waiting for a reaction after giving
the number, you'll leave her feeling like she just made some guy's day,
who both likes her body, was confident/capable enough to talk to her,
and, after the first move, left her with all the power.
Congratulations, you executed the perfect pick-up. And trust me, she'll
call.*
*We have yet to discuss topics on grooming and presentation, so results
may vary.

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