Terrorists or Zombies: A Survivor’s Guide to Selecting the Lesser of Two Evils

May 9, 2008 by ZachShephard

Everyone’s been there before. To your left, a group of brain-hungry zombies, ready to crack open that think-box of yours and make a meal of your favorite non-penis organ. To your right, a squadron of vengeance-thirsty terrorists, complete with guns, grenades, and surprisingly good manners (who knew?).

So, which way do you lean? If you go left, your brain gets eaten (which, for some of you, won’t be that much of a loss). If you go right, there’s a decent chance your crotch will explode (and not in the good way). If you stand still, you’ll be forced to play ET on the Atari for an entire hour. Clearly, there are only a pair of viable options, and we here at Two Bit News will do our best to make your decision easier than a drunken sorority girl on spring break.

Before you commit to going left or right, you have to take into account several factors, and I’ve charged myself with the task of compiling that data for you. Let’s get started.

CHANCES OF SURVIVAL

If you head over to join the zombies, it’s pretty much a coin-toss as to whether or not you’ll live to tell about it. Half of all zombies appear to be the reanimated corpses of Olympic sprinters (an undead Jesse Owens will taunt you by feasting on your motor strip as he jogs circles around your motionless corpse), while the other half can barely figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. If you end up against the former, you’re pretty much screwed. Against the latter, escaping shouldn’t be a problem, even if you’ve got the foot-speed of the average gamer (meaning you commonly lose races to turtles, slugs and paraplegics).

Long story short, should you choose to confront the zombies, you’ll be rewarded with a 50-50 chance of living. Not too shabby.

The terrorists, on the other hand, are not so forgiving. If you go to their side of things, you will be blown up by a bomb that’s strapped to your nuts.

Winner: Zombies

COMPANY

Maybe neither of these groups will try to kill you. Maybe they’re just misunderstood. While this is a highly unlikely circumstance, it’s certainly something you want to prepare yourself for, as you don’t want to make a social faux pas by decapitating a zombie that was only searching for love.

Even if the zombies do end up being friendly, they probably won’t be terribly entertaining (unless you enjoy discussing brains and muttering single-word sentences). The terrorists might not speak your language, but at least they can probably play the universal game of Strip-Twister without having a rotting limb fall off.

Winner: Terrorists

VIDEO GAMES

There are a lot of good zombie-related video games out there, from Resident Evil to Stubbs the Zombie. What does gaming have to do with your current predicament, you ask? Nothing. And those damn terrorists would like to keep it that way.

Winner: Zombies

So, there you have it. When faced with the deadly triangle of zombies, terrorists and ET, stay the hell away from the alien and his bomb-toting friends.

Zombies for life!

-Zach Shephard

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